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Prometheus & The Public Bathroom

According to Greek Mythology, Prometheus created Man out of clay because Zeus got overwhelmed with the task. He delegated the creation of Man and Animal to Prometheus so he could hit the country club and avoid paying taxes.


Prometheus, excited about the idea of creating a new reality, got to work with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind. He tossed elements of Earth onto the wheel and began the process of molding Man. Once the shape was completed, Prometheus gently placed the Clay Men into a pottery kiln. He cranked the kiln to 1 billion degrees. Set a timer for 7 days and sat patiently.



DING!


Men is served. Prometheus hurried to the oven. Put on his favorite mits and pulled his creation from the Kiln. He wrapped them into blankets, created a ship, and gently floated them to shore.

 

Over the years, Prometheus watched Man closely, falling in love with his creation. Like most parents, he became attached to his children, and began meddling in their business.


As above so below.


Prometheus wanted to give his creation the next tool to aid them in their great race to self-actualization....












Fire, that is!


Prometheus filed the necessary requisition to Mt. Olympus, home of Zeus, and all things divine and magical.


Zeus denied Prometheus of his request for fire, calling Prometheus a big dumb idiot.


Prometheus took that personally...


“Nah f*** that, I’m a Titan.”


Like a thief in the night, he stole up to Mt. Olympus and brought back with him the idea of fire. He planted the idea in a fennel-stalk, and, eventually, a neanderthal discovered it.


Prometheus sat back as the caveman accidentally lit himself on fire. Can’t make an omelette without sacrificing a few eggs.


He thought about how pissed Zeus would be. Surely, he won’t overreact, thought Prometheus…


Zeus overreacted.


For his crime, Zeus chained Prometheus to a rock for eternity with no option for bail.


Zeus didn’t stop there. He needed to punish humans for beholding a tool only suited for a God. Zeus pondered and pondered and stroked his little lightning bolt until something came to him….


The punishment would be as such. He would create feminine energy. This energy would live in the heart of Zeus' new creation - females.


In Zeus’ mind, Females would be the freedom Men would never realize.


Zeus threw in one other adjustment for his own benefit.


He was appalled at the idea of human waste. The thought of peeing n pooing turned him from gold to green. He wanted the act out of sight, so he planted the idea of public bathrooms in the mind of some lowly fellow in the middle of the 19th century. The Public Bathroom came into existence in 1851.


 

Actions beget consequences. Some good. Some bad. Most inconsequential in the grandest of schemes. Prometheus gave us fire. Zeus created femineity to torture masculinity.


The beauty of existence comes from the unknown - Effect - of a tiny little cause.


 

In the 2015s I feared everything all at once. My nervous system was on high alert at most hours of the day. Billions of microscopic periscopes peeked out from the pours of my skin - scanning for threats and ensuring safety. Everything was a threat, but the public bathroom was the biggest threat of them all…


The public bathroom has been a shit-show for much of its existence. Egoic masculinity chained the Soul of Masculinity to a urinal; and proceeded to make a mess of the whole thing.


Trash bins overflowed with wadded up hand towels. Toilets mirrored Chernobyl. Fights breaking out for the hell of it. Dudes passed out in a stall after one-too-many drinky poos. The writing was on the bathroom wall, and it looked grim. So, I thought.


To my utter surprise, things began to change between 2015 and ye ole present moment. The vibrating chaos of existence became a touch more stable. This began to manifest in public bathrooms. Some Men began to wash their hands. Other Men greeted one another in the bathroom.


There was a Great Softening of men unfurling like a Lily in spring.


I have my theories about the Great Softening of Men. It could be the sown seeds of femininity coming to bear. Throughout history, femininity moved like a lover in the night, soothing the psyche of masculinity while we slept.


Maybe we've been doing this for longer than perceptible by the human eye and the inevitability of recognizing our true nature is as set in stone as stone itself. Who the heck knows? I know Keanu Reeves does, but he won’t answer my letters...


Whatever the reason. Things are changing and, from my vantage point, for the better.


 

In the year of our Lord 2023, the Men’s Public Bathroom Experience is vastly different. I’d like to share with the reader an experience of mine from the other day...


 

I walked into the bathroom with a few of my closest friends. As is the new custom, we were greeted at the door by an elderly gentleman. He had white hair. Soft brown eyes and dimples the size of teaspoons. The esteemed gentleman welcomed us and gave each of our foreheads a lil smooch.


"Go with Christ, bruh!" He said.


This particular bathroom was outfitted with a vaulted ceiling. A chandelier hung down in a dazzling display of light emanating from a sky window above. Marble floors led the way to golden urinals. My friends and I cracked jokes and relieved ourselves as The Old Man listened and laughed along.


The faucets were marble carvings of eagles. Water streamed from an opening in the beak into an emerald sink.


While we washed our hands, we heard a commotion towards the entrance of the door.


“Don’t f****** touch me old man!!”


A disgruntled youth pushed past the Old Man with a face as red as a beet.


“I ain’t afraid to hit an old man in a public bathroom!”


Au contraire, he was deathly afraid. We could see it in his beety little eyes.


My friends and I trained for this moment. We all interlocked our hands and surrounded the scared little fella. He tried to break free of the circle, but he couldn’t budge the golden line we created.


“Get the f*** out of my way you idiots…”


He thrashed like a bull in a pen. Eventually tiring himself out. Once he realized there was no way out he collapsed and began to cry gum drop sized tears.


The Old Man materialized into our circle. He placed his hand on the defeated man’s shoulder.


“What seems to be bothering you, son?”


“I… can’t… I don’t think … I don’t think she loves me…” He said through sniffles.


“Well, I can’t promise She does, and respect her reasons, but look about you, we all Love you.”


At that, he looked upward. A glimmer of light flickered in his eyes.


The old man held out his palm and a Crown appeared.


“You dropped this, King” he said.


The man placed the crown atop his head.


“How do you feel?” Asked the Old Man.


“I feel … fantastic! I feel like a fire has been lit. I know what to do!” He spoke.


“And what’s that?”


“I’m going to go call her a BITCH and try to sleep with her best friend!!!”


With that, he sprinted out of the bathroom.


The Old Man sighed and buried his head in his hand.


“We still have a long way to go…”

1 kommentti


Doofanter Nyamor
Doofanter Nyamor
15. elok. 2023

I think Zeus would’ve been very happy with this public bathroom ordeal. Another female destroying the likes of his feeble original creation.

also I kinda like being called a bitch, let Me get under your skin, learn from me, all the baddest bitches have tattoos.

Tykkää
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