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spare some change?

"True life is lived when tiny changes occur." - Leo Tolstoy

It’s Thursday, June 8th, in the year of our lord 2023. I’m sitting on a porch overlooking a wind ruffled lake. Across the water, a foliage curtain of oaks and maples trace the shoreline. Sleepy cottages peek through the greenery to catch their reflection in the water. Behind one of the cottages's windows, a Grandpa glares outward through the pane. On his lake floats a boat he doesn't recognize. "Damn, public access," his words cutting through a thick smog of coffee breathe. On this side of the lake, a ribbon of wind severs seeds of maple trees. 100s of twirling trapeze artists spiral down to the ground. Some seeds land on the paved lakeside road, their destiny to be flattened by a tire all but realized. Seeds with a better flight path land atop grass and soil in hopes of putting a root down.


18,000 years ago this little lake I sit by would have been a big ole glacier. Ice, ice baby. Lakes & Maples & vaporized nicotine all existing as mere possibilities in the universal incubator. 18,000 years ago the view beyond the horizon of my laptop would have been a mile deep glacier, and beside it, an old man uttering "damn ice."

18,000 years ago, The Hands of Change, attached to whatever power you believe in, were preparing to launch a new program: Project Liquify & The Rise of the Modern Human. The glaciers sat like a block of marble awaiting a Michelangelo to chip away the superfluous material. The Hands of Change were feverishly rubbing themselves together.

The ice behemoths stored the potential energy to usher in the first phase of the Project. Ground was broke. One Hand of Change unplugged the AC unit. The other Hand calculated our Earth would need to be a few degrees closer to the big burning ball in the sky. ln unison, The Hands of Change curled their fingers around the Big Dipper's handle and gently scooped Earth from Her orbital path. Dusted some dark matter off Her cheeks. And returned Her a few degrees closer to the sun. Project Liquify & The Rise of the Modern Human was a go.

The glaciers began accumulating sweat on their brow like an evangelist looking in a mirror. Unlike evangelists, glaciers hadn't the mind to disobey change. Ice slooooowly melting like a popsicle on a 32.0001 degree day.

With each nano-degree of added heat came another free'd water molecule. The water molecule was free to move again and with that remembered freedom began.....

Joining the rest.

Commiserating about dreams dreamt during the Great Glacial Nap.

Flowing with one another again.

Fucking with the vision and proceeding to build.

Forging tributaries, rivers, and lakes.

Carving out Change

Evaporating and condensing in a cloud form.

Free falling to the ocean.

Trips back up to the sky.

Down a mountain side.

Into a babbling brook....and.....


....cycling into modern plumbing.

Drank by a Modern Human.

Excuse me...mmm...yeaaah...we actually prefer contemporary human.

Drank by a Contemporary Human.

Sold for $10 at an airport.

Excreting through a contemporary pee hole.

Swirling down a septic system.

Evaporating and forming clouds.

Hmm. This rain water tastes like shit.

Ladies and Gentleman I give to you The Modern Human!!



The Hands of Change pointing at one another when asked by upper management who is responsible for the mess down on Earth.


All this upfront universal cost so I can experience drinking an energy drink in a fever dream of the Now. A Prime Blue Raspberry energy drink to be specific. Created by Logan Paul's company. Who was once a Vine Star. Now a Youtube Star. Who posted a video of a body in the Japanese Suicide Forest. Faced immense backlash. Cancelled. Cancel purgatory. Uncancelled. Fought Floyd Mayweather. It's think.....

....All this universal overhead so we can have relative freedom depending on the variables of our prepackaged body. A body coded with survival stories written by our ancestors like hieroglyphics on a cave wall. Mingling with the survival stories etched in the biology of strangers.

To have senses constantly decoding the outer world and delivering it to the inner world. The warmth of the sun. Wisps of wind sensually brushing my legs — oooo la la. Inhaling vaporized nicotine. Exhaling vaporized nicotine. Cotton mouth. I suppose I blow this vape cloud as an ode to you, Hands of Change. Is this what u had in mind with the Rise of the Modern Human? Could you spare any more change? Or is that my part of the bargain?


The Modern Human in a premodern body. Panic! At the Disco!!!


I'mmmmmmm going through Chaaaangeeees

Change can take 1000s of years. Billions of years. 1000s in the case of the Glacial melt initiating Project Liquify. Billions in the zoomed out case of Earth, herself.

Change can take 24 hours. Mayflies undergo an interchange of life and death in 24 hours. The next batch of flies barely allotted the lifespan to mourn and bury the generation that came before them. Then. GG. Another generation. Dead.


Change can not take place at all. The heterosexual male. 80 years. Glaring out a window at an unrecognizable boat. Taxes. Trying to find the clitoris. Dead.


Speak of that..

I've been searching high and low for the clitoris. It's like reading brail and I'm illiterate to the touch. Failed attempts began stacking like the world's tallest pile of flapjacks. Andy Wrobel of Australia set the record with 60 of them thangs stacked on top of one another. Naur-ly if you ask me.

Each failed pancake beget a flash of bodily embarrassment, aka, a signal for change. The message shooting from my fingertips through my body like a capsule sucked through a tube at the bank. At times, my body would swallow the embarrassment whole and clog up the tube. If my body didn't swallow the embarrassment, the failed attempt would reach my brain. Where the message is received and added to the woefully incomplete neural pathway labeled "Pleasuring a Woman." The pathway was a detailed mental map with X's that marked where the spot was not. At one point the map was as follows, "20 paces south. 2 clicks west. There you'll find a pink brick road. Follow that. There's a woman behind a curtain. She knows something."

But...One fateful evening...

The moon was high

As was I

Standing on the shoulders of all the Me's 

Who invariably came before Her 

An answer would be provided.

The prerequisite of failures met the requirement for THE ANSWER. All of the hot flashes of embarrassment accumulated a spark for the incandescence of my mind. Illuminated were these five words...

"You are to ask her."


Divine information.


I looked up and cleared my throat.

"Hey, uh a little help down here" and by God, she showed me.

All of the pain and suffering and embarrassment and hardship were actually guides aiding me to the stimulating sphere of a lady.

Maybe Change is my part of the bargain after all.

The Hands of Change response in as many words:


Our bodies and brains are benefactors of Change.

My body is either incomplete software looking to be coded Or perfect software looking to be understood by it's host. Don't ask me I don't know.

"No one asked you though?" - remarked the Intrusive Thought.

"Good point." I respond.

Anyways, all of this Change, so, as humans, we're afforded the gift of being Life and experiencing Life. To write a blog from the accumulation of data in the inner world and bring it to the Outer World as a show and tell.

"You don't know that..." -IT

"Good....friggin....point...." I squeeze through gritted teeth.

You got me! I don't know why it's important to Change. I just know most times it beats the alternative.


And now for something completely different

A poem by me for u


Painful & Beautiful & Strange

"It's like Julia Roberts

If Julia Rob Hurts"

Is it necessary to cite a quote from a Movie?

Being sued would be far from Groovy

22 Jump Street. Directed by Chris Miller, Sony, 2014.

If anyone tries to sue

It's on cite

Ladies and Gentleman, Poetry!


When I'm at odds with Life it usually means I'm in the process of Change and shaking my fist at the side effects. A glacier refusing to melt so to speak.

Hurts, donut?

Where there is Life there is a story of Change. The glacier only being a small chapter part of the story containing the lake I sit beside. The oaks and maples encasing it have a story. It seems to be an ever-unfurling story.....and....

From the limited experience of a 26-year-old who is addicted to nicotine and other people's opinions...

Life is change. I am Life. I not change. I stuck. Stick in mud. Uncomfortable. When uncomfortable. I make uncomfortable decisions.

Sign here. Yes, and here. Annnnnd oneeee mooooore signature there.

Congratulations, Matt, you have just signed over your freedom to a United States backed Conservatorship with the Past. Side effects include looking through window pane, incontinence & fear!


Conservatorships make it difficult to Change. A twisted sense of safety is offered for the low low price of your autonomy. Side effects of stagnancy stink up the place.

I never consciously agreed to be in a United States backed contractual agreement with the stories of my past, but what am I going to do....complain? Yes, actually, I will. Then maybe I'll try to Change.

I wasn't even remotely aware of the Conservatorship until like 2 years ago.

There has to be some kind of mistake....

"Well is this your signature here? And here? Annnnnd here?"

By God, it was.


Breaking my conservatorship with the past isn't as easy as signing it - yet - breaking free of the conservatorship is the game for me.

The best tool I've found for releasing the Conservatorship is you can't break free from it. I just had to stop looking at it so much.

I'm 87% positive, on my most positive days, of the following rule. With a sliver of awareness - I'm able to Accept what is, which allows me to recognize impermanence, which allows me to listen to what is, and ideally surrender to Change - coming out with my hands up!

Acceptance that we all, in some way or another, have the past leaking into the present. On my good days, I'm able to listen to what historical thought/behavior is reflecting. On my best days, I'm able to surrender and relax. Surrender deflates the tension enough to oop lemme squeeze on past ya. On the other side of impermanence is a realization that I can't change whatever just happened, but I'll be lucky enough to get another chance to Change my thoughts & behaviors by divesting my energy from the pattern at some future point in time that I'll experience in the Now.

Change is the most serious thing we do with the most lightest of hearts. Accept you don't know where the clitioris is and enter Zen from there.

Oscar Wilde once said that Life is far too important to take serious.

That's how I think a conservatorship is broken. A steadfast discipline divorced from a serious disposition. Change will help if you allow it.


For better or worse, the world around me is inspired by Change.

I think the goal is to be my own Hands of Change and grab ahold of my own Big Dipper and rearrange my world when called upon.

I get how hard change can be. I've been there. I'm still there. I'll always be there.

I thought I would dispense some more advice.

"No one asked for it." - Intrusive Thought

"For fuck's sake...."

"Just keeping you honest. Maybe stop calling me Intrusive and I'll be nicer to you." - IT


Initiating Change is like slipping a letter to my future self. Putting a sticky note on the mirror. A new diet to try. A meditation. Buying a gimp mask and living out my days as a submissive. Normal things. More times than not, the bit of information slips into oblivion. The diet doesn't stick. The meditation fades. The gimp mask turned out to be the Intrusive Thought's idea of a joke.

I have found the best way to Change is to focus my attention on areas providing me Joy and expanding from there. Focusing on my deficiencies seems to allow the conservatorship to ratchet down on my energy. For me, focusing my attention on something I'm deeming "bad" about myself, only expands my awareness to other things I'm deeming bad about myself. That's not fun. Focusing on my efficiencies fills my peripherals with Joy.

My body is unique to me. My mind is unique to me. My avenues for Change are unique to me. I found the only way to make sustainable Change is by listening to myself. There came a point where I realized my ears were tuned to listen to the outer world before all else. I didn't even think listening to my own voice was possible. But, alas, I started by finding people who are interested in what I'm saying. Not people interested in telling me what I should be saying. Disclaimer this doesn't mean surrounding yourself with yes men - nothing grows in an echo chamber. Everything grows in the congo. I unkowningly invited people who knew change on some level and allowed authenticity to beget authenticity. Mirrors are cool.

The grass isn't greener on the side I'm standing on, the grass just is, and Change is tuning my eye balls to see and feel it.

Ok that's the end.

2 comentários

Jeremiah Eaton
Jeremiah Eaton
06 de jul. de 2023

Loved the read. You do a great job creating a picture in the mind. Looking forward to reading more of your work


Doofanter Nyamor
Doofanter Nyamor
29 de jun. de 2023

Great concept and visual access to what’s happening in your brain. The chaos is felt, heard, released, not felt, then back to realizing that there are parts of me that will never be understood as there are parts of you The modern.. I mean contemp. human will never understand. But that IS the beauty of Art. You are art.

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